Thursday, 24 November 2011
I need a plan. I need to examine what I've done in the past and decide what I am doing for my last quit. This time I need to determine what will "replace" cigarettes.
MY QUIT PLAN!
~Meditation in the morning to combat the anxiety attack that happens as soon as I realize I am not having that first cigarette.
~Meditation throughout the day when the "end all" cravings hit.
~Yoga to ground myself and to bring exercise back into my life.
~A journal to keep me focused on why I need to stay away from the poisonous crap.
~WATER! Oh so much water! Flush out those damn toxins!
~Baths. As many as I need in the first few days.
~A good bye letter to nicotine. It's time to part ways.
~PATIENCE! Need to be gentle with myself. It's not just willpower. It's the fight of my life. Compassion and loving kindness for myself will go a long way.
And a quit date. I'm doing this cold turkey. The anxiety will subside and I believe all my other "attempts" have failed when I've tried to quit whatever "vessel" I've used to deliver the drug. Nicotine is the addiction.
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
My negativity is out of control because I choose to let it be that way. Simple. When other people refuse to work on themselves and I allow those thoughts to interfere with my own healing that is my choice. Allowing myself to absorb someone else's negativity is in my control. Changing someone else's negative thought patterns is not in my control. Easy.
Yesterday was a brutal day in no smoking land. I had come close to buying one of those little prime time cigarillos. Well, I had the plan worked out anyway. But I went to the mall and bought a $70 purse instead. Can't really afford it, but the bank card said approved and yesterday that was good enough for me. And really...by not smoking for a week, the purse is pretty much paid for. I've done that 13 and half times. JUSTIFIED!! ;)
Back to the epiphany. It just clicked a few minutes ago.
I've been miserable! It's the whole quit smoking thing. I'm unmotivated, lazy and effin whiny ... for roughly three months. My resentment is building up and anger is knockin on the back door. I feel a little distant from a lot of people too. I couldn't figure out why everything was so different for me last year. Well...I've got it!
(This is the part where I really need to pay attention and listen to myself closely!!!)
Last year I was focused on my healing. It really became a life or death situation and I immersed myself into change. My whole heart, mind, body and soul was in a great deal of distress so I did what was necessary and learned to love and nurture myself. While I was doing all this work and learning to be the "real" me, I had little to no time to concern myself with other people's crap. I wasn't as caught up in it.
Fast forward...quitting smoking brings up a new wave of emotions and feelings I hadn't quite finished dealing with during the first year of sobriety. Mostly my insecurities (and childhood crap..but mostly it's the insecurities). I have some core issues with abandonment and being alone. Although, I have been alone and proven to myself I am strong enough to get through anything, the whole idea does still rear anxiety and a lot of it. Crippling anxiety. And when it hits I dwell in negative land. I become unmotivated. Then more anxiety. Repeat.
So...obviously it will pass. I do know (and feel) this. I need to remind myself of a couple of things. First, people who do not want to heal, change or even improve their lives are hurting themselves. Do not let them bring me down. Second, people who live in a negative bubble are miserable and only trying to share their pain. Do not accept it. Leave it with them. Third, remember that I have so much strength inside me. Combined with my courage and perseverance I really do feel I can accomplish anything. It's time to make healing my first priority. And, like before, have an open mind, soft heart and remember everything happens for a reason.
Monday, 19 September 2011
Funny how everything in my life goes back to "one day at a time". Addict to the core, I guess. I'd love to be addicted to meditating, sensible eating and proper exercise. To be addicted to balance! Hehe
This whole "new me" thing isn't easy. It seemed to be at first, but I was still smoking. It's AMAZING how much smoking covers everything. Not only is nicotine a powerful, physically addicting drug...it's also a wonderful tool used to stuff emotions/feelings/memories. It's an insanely hard habit to kick.
I believe it gets better. Trust the process, right?
Monday, 12 September 2011
I finally got my file from the Ministry of Family and Child services, actually I've had it for about a month. It's been an emotional roller coaster for me since. One day I'm feeling okay and not giving it a thought or an ounce of my energy and then I'm knocked on my ass by the huge wave of emotion that consumes me when I think about it. My therapist had suggested I burn the file after I read through the pages...purging of my past. It's been on my mind a lot lately. I can fully understand the connection my childhood has to my current stresses and I feel a pushy feeling inside me. Like it's time?
The contents of the file really explain my issues with my mother. The abandonment especially. And the "tools" (or lack thereof) I've used for "coping" for the last twenty years. Anger, guilt and manipulation were her specialties...seems I learned from the master. ;) However, unlike her, I have become aware in my sobriety these don't actually work for me. They don't get my needs met. They hindered my healing. I had to unlearn what I had learned.There are still times I experience my negative thought patterns and I think it's time to "let go". Scary! As dysfunctional as this is going to sound...my childhood is what I know. It's familiar. It's my excuse and my reasoning. Letting go is unknown.
Freedom is finally worth overcoming the fear.
Now...I just got to go start a fire!
Who knows, I might even write that damn letter. You know the one (get your feelings out, tell her how you really feel. you don't have to give her the letter) - that letter. That thought isn't as uncomfortable as it has been in the past. I can even (almost) see the words I would put on the paper.
Thursday, 4 August 2011
It really is a huge accomplishment. The change in the quality of life is astounding. I can't even begin to count the ways. I'm so proud to have finally see what I was doing to myself and everyone around me, to have the courage (and brains!) to walk away from all that and deal with all my stuff.
I'm certain I'll see that kind of difference without the cigs too. Not quite the same...always knew/remembered what i was doing while smoking...but there are some similarities.
The "addiction gets priority" is true with smoking. I don't miss that. The last $8 was always mine. We couldn't leave to go anywhere until I had my cigarette. The sneaking away to fit in my cigarette all those times I broke quits and was a temporary closet smoker.
When you really stop and look at smoking...it's just as life sucking and pathetic as any other drug/alcohol addiction.
Yesterday I spent most of the day anxiety free. One day that will be the norm and I'll be free of the two major, poisonous addictions in my life. What a fantastic day that will be!!!
Friday, 29 July 2011
I've also started reading through the Buddhism course I signed up for a few weeks back. Lesson 2 was hard to concentrate on. It explained the different types of Buddhism and which is practiced where. Once I finished reading about the origin, and about Buddha himself, I lost all focus. I'll have to go back and reread it one day. But for today, I'll move on to lesson 3.
Thursday, 28 July 2011
Welcome to the Crazy Train! All aboard!
I meditated for the first time in 6 months last night. I felt great afterwards. It was pretty uncomfortable at first...but even just the steady breathing is relaxing and calms my nerves.
Also made it to the gym this morning. Wasn't at all into it, as it's been at least 3 weeks (i think longer though) since we've been. Have to get use to it again and then I'll look forward to the work outs. Thankfully it doesn't take long.
I'm so tired today. Might have something to do with today's meltdown or today's meltdown made me tired. I don't know. Either way....***YAWN***
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Quitting smoking - I'm so choked I'm back here again. It's day 39 (which is great) but for the amount of attempts at this crap I really should've kicked it a long time ago and not struggling so hard to hit the six week mark. Nothing about smoking makes any sense and I'm a fairly intelligent person....freaking addictions. They'll cripple anyone.
And while I'm bitching....why does it seem so easy to be unmotivated? Was hitting the gym on a regular basis, feeling fantastic - a couple of health things come up and temporarily put everything on hold and now the gym seems like work again. I won't make myself go. I'm pretty much deciding that feeling great and improving my health is too much work so I'll sit at home and whine about everything in this here blog. I could actually pick my ass off this chair and head to the gym now. But I'm gonna just keep on typing.
Same with meditation. Won't do it. Both the gym and meditation will probably help my stomach issues for more effectively than the umpteen pills the doctors have all thrown at me...yet, I do nothing. I take the pills, sleep like crap, suffer for a couple nights of month then whine, bitch and moan. Why? What is it about positive changes? No one wants to suffer but how much is anyone doing to avoid suffering? I'm all about it apparently. Won't do anything then parade through life on my "woe is me" pity train.
SOOO frustrated right now.
Kay...feeling a little better. Just feeling so stagnant in life right now and have no idea why I stand in my own way all of the time. On with my day....
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
I'm blaming it all on quitting smoking..but jesus..it just feels like I don't belong any where. What is my problem? I get that it probably stems from not fitting in with my own birth family and just became a fast moving train wreck from there. And most of the time I really could care less. But lately it's eating at me.
I suppose I could drive myself mental with all this. I probably have already started.
To top it off I'm sick so the neediness is kicked up a few notches. And I'm whiny.
I cannot wait for this to pass. I went through it when I quit drinking. It was brutal then and it's brutal now. The upside is that I do know I come out of this with a greater sense of self. Just need to ride the wave, I guess.
Thursday, 30 June 2011
And today is a really big day for my neediness. I'm on day 12 of my quit and I can feel Crazy Me at the wheel. Hubby didn't kiss me good-bye this morning, so I'm mad at him. He hasn't texted yet and I'm mad at him. None of these things are intentional as my husband is a very sweet man. And I could always go and get a kiss from him...but Crazy Me (yes I label myself! All the time actually) decided that I'm cranky and struggling with not smoking and chose to be mad instead. It's these days and these moments I've chose to smoke in the past just to ease the pain and feel somewhat normal. And that is addict thinking in a nutshell. Addiction 101.
The idea of going back to bed and waking up tomorrow is very appealing. I do have another session with my personal trainer this morning ... hopefully I can shift my energy instead of making it worse for myself the rest of the day.
The second noble truth teaches us that the cause of suffering is craving. Hahaha...Yep...sure is!
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Saturday, 25 June 2011
Hubby and I have managed to get ourselves to the gym for 10 consecutive days and I am super proud of both of us. I have plans to see a personal trainer this week to set some fitness goals for myself and hubby is deep into research for his. I'm loving our new focus! It's only been a week and a half into "project energy shift" and we both notice some changes. Just goes to show what you can accomplish if you just DO!
Talking about and wishing for change doesn't yield results. I'm excited to see how life evolves and improves for us in the next while. We made a deal to go the entire summer and then reassess all things then.
As far as not smoking...tomorrow is a week. I haven't been the easiest person to live with, but I really am trying to keep the crazy levels to a dull roar. The gym is helping. I'm sure I would be a lot worse without the exercise!
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
We've joined the gym, and have gone faithfully everyday since. Even decided to wake up early and work out at 6:00 in the morning! This still shocks me! ;)
Part of the new us, is me quitting smoking. I'm whiny today. And so tired. The bit of energy I get from working out is short lived. The upside is how quickly that will turn around. I've quit so many times, I have the timeline of healing and what comes next down to a fine art.
I figure if I write about how uncomfortable this quitting business is, I'll use it to remind me not to ever start again... when the going gets tough. I see my therapist tomorrow and I plan on using OEI to deal with the anxiety and the manic feeling that comes with quitting smoking. I honestly can't stand the early part, so why I keep starting over again is beyond me.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
It's a bit harder to maintain that level of excitement without cameras following you around day in and day out. Life seems to have a way of constantly testing you in different ways. When things are hard or challenging, you need to find ways to maintain motivation and to remain positive.
For me...the sun helps...ALOT! I find I become so down with the constant rain. But even with the sun shining, I'm missing the feeling I had this time last year. I had that wonderful feeling of accomplishment just about every single day I woke up. It's not that I'm no longer proud of myself...I AM!...It's just that it's come time to set another goal to reach. I've quit drinking (468 days! Woot woot!) but it's not the only or last positive change I wanted to make. Smoking is list of things to remove from life. Imaging the feeling of compete and utter pride when I have finally removed those horrible things permanently!
I think any goal, no matter how big or small, once set and reached...is to be celebrated. I think you can inspire those around you and be your own source of motivation with each goal accomplished. I also think the very action of setting goals and working towards them is a goal itself. And if it's something you're not used to doing, a life changing one.
I sometimes gravitate to "big" ideas when the little act of taking a vitamin daily and drinking more water will make a world of difference in my life. Less junk food, more fruit and veggies...again a little act, a big difference.I know I won't be heading out and running 5km this morning, but I can start somewhere. And everything is a cycle. Feel better physically, feel better mentally.
My stomach feels great today! (It's been a long week.) And I've been mentally "strong" lately too. Why not take advantage of all this combined with the beautiful weather and see what I can accomplish!
Friday, 6 May 2011
If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~The Dalai Lama
I've been reading "The Art of Happiness" and thanks to not watching TV in bed, I'm about half way through the book. Last night I just couldn't get enough! The section on compassion with attachment compared to genuine compassion was incredibly interesting. When I've thought of compassion I understand the idea behind not wanting others to suffer. But sometimes the whole concept of compassion for all beings seems a bit "out there". How do you practice compassion when someone is grating on your last nerve? It's at that point that I can't imagine being a peaceful being full time. It's at that point I judge myself.
Compassion with attachment is what is hardwired into my being. It's actually what I see in most people I know. It's what I teach my children.
Last fall our oldest moved out of the house against our wishes. Our first response? Take everything away and teach her life is hard and she'll get little to no support from us. If the basis of compassion is wanting for others to NOT suffer, then clearly, going out of one's way to aid in the suffering is by no means compassionate. Recently I had a fight with my youngest and took away some of her favourite belongings. She hurt me...I'll make her suffer. Not compassionate.
I honestly have no idea how to be genuinely compassionate towards those closest to me. I'm a compassionate person...yes...but I don't feel I'm a genuine compassionate being towards my loved ones. And while I can sit here and claim to now know the difference between the two, put me through a test and all hardwired behaviours/thoughts/feelings will emerge. It's what I've practiced and mastered for many years.
That being said, awareness is huge. Now I have to learn how to increase my level of genuine compassion.
I feel... at 34 yrs old..I'm rebuilding my foundation from scratch. Exciting and overwhelming. Yet, if I take it one brick at a time, eventually it will be solid and strong.
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Today is a marvelous day. I have accomplished 15 months of sobriety one other time in my life. I chose not to do any work on myself and thought for sure that not drinking would be enough to make life less painful. After 15 months, I chose to drink and eventually ended up in a worse place. This time ... well this time 15 months looks beautiful. And life really is a million times better. There are hard days..but they always pass. And every day is a true gift. Sobriety isn't a daunting task or horrible chore...it's my gift to myself. <3
I'm thinking of life without cable for a little while. It seems scary to even consider such a thing! What does one do instead of watching TV? What about all the shows and sporting events we'll miss? Funny how the television dictates how we spend our time here. In the two days without it...our youngest daughter has spent an amazing amount of time with us. Grocery shopping, painting the outside...things we would normally just go ahead and quickly get done, never taking the time to ask if she would like to help out. The difference is noticeable. Plans to do more outside work have been made and she seems quite excited. Last night, instead of having the bedroom TV on while I fell asleep, I read some more of my book. I might actually make it through an entire book if I were to read each night. AND of course, there is money to be saved. A few months without cable pays for a trampoline, which is desperately wanted here. I am still trying to convince myself (and others) ... nothing but good will come of it...yet I still don't know how to let go of cable television. ;)
Friday, 29 April 2011
Thursday, 28 April 2011
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."
— Melody Beattie
I had a great night sleep last night! I could do without the dismal weather, but with May on the horizon so it won't last forever.
I'm making changes again! I'll start small. Today I will drink more water and stay away from wheat products. I want to be the best me physically, emotionally and mentally. I have a plan! I'm going to make a small change every couple of days...like everything else in life...it all adds up.
Monday, 25 April 2011
Saturday, 23 April 2011
What a difference a little sunshine makes!
We got the chance to get some much needed yard work done yesterday, and I have plans to do some more today. Our goal is to get all the weeding done and start assembling a garden next weekend. It's soooo much work. Since we procrastinate and let things slide around here, the amount to be done of work to be done is daunting. However, it's already starting to look a thousand times better.
Our lives are like that too..we wait until things are going the complete wrong way before we start clean up. By that time it's overwhelming and a ton of work. If we did a little bit all the time, it wouldn't get so out of control and we could enjoy the rewards much more often. Profound, I am!
Thursday, 21 April 2011
My stomach hurts so bad. I feel weaker than ever. I just want to fall to my knees and pray a higher something or other takes the reins and leads us to better ground.
Thursday, 14 April 2011
For a whole year every Thursday meant something. I would even get up and make breakfasts on Thursdays for a large chunk of the first year. Now Thursdays have gone back to being just another day of the week. Odd because for the most part I felt guilty about celebrating something that should never have happened in the first place. Yet...
It's been really blah around here this morning...so I wanted to notice this Thursday.
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
My oldest had to write a couple of essays for english. She isn't aware but I know one of them is about the last couple years and focused mainly on how my drinking affected her life.
As I sit in the waiting area of the counselor's office while my youngest has her session, I'm contemplating.
I was once incredibly selfish, irresponsible and neglectful. It's hard to understand how I could have been such a horrific person. I know now the drunk me isn't who I truly am...but it took a lot of drinking and traumatizing my own daughters to figure it out. Not to mention how close I came to losing my best friend and their daddy.
The whole thing just breaks my heart. Pain begets pain. My parents pain became my pain became my children's pain.
Alcohol is poison to me. I chose the bottle over my family far too many times and the damage done is terrible. I only hope the work I'm doing now helps to ease some of their pain.
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
I have no idea what my life would've been like had my parents taken their own opportunity to see the dysfunction and mental illness that runs deep through generations. Different for sure. Better or worse?
I think life gives us all moments to step aside and assess ourselves, plenty of chances to heal. I can think of a couple times in my past where I could've jumped on the healing bandwagon. I also know dealing with what I'm going through now would've been next to impossible at a younger age. The fear of knowing where I'll end up now pushes me to continue with counselling..pushes me to "heal".
This was going to be a different entry today as I'm trying hard to accept what is and to stop obsessing. Everything happens for a reason and today's phone call made me realize that I am blessed. I'm starting to see I am strong. It feels like praising myself and it's not comfortable, yet I cannot deny it. I could easily turn my back and find chemical ways for coping. As hard as it is, I prefer this path.
I did say I'm feeling good today. I am. Blessed and grateful for my husband, daughters and chosen family..their love and support amazes me everyday.
Monday, 11 April 2011
Sometime yesterday I realized I was wasting far too much time worried about the love I didn't get in the past and not paying attention to the love I have now. Both in giving and receiving.
I think it's important to have a grieving period but not to stay there too long. Everything is what it is. Not what it should be, not what it could be, just what it is.
When I think of the present my heart swells and I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I love my life. Today gets my focus.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
I'm aching to meditate again. It scares me though. I have a lot of daytime flashes lately, and meditation has accelerated them in the past. I've been scouring the internet looking for any information on meditation for survivors. Lots of info to confirm what I've already experienced, but not a whole lot about how I get past it. Frustrating.
I want to let go. Maybe surrender? I don't know what that means to me though. Surrender to what?
It's like I am standing on an edge (?) and there is beauty and freedom in my next step...I just don't know how to make myself lift my damn foot and take the step.
Saturday, 9 April 2011
I really just want to move past. How it is now is how it's always been and how it will always be. She wasn't meant to be a mother. Even today, with my brothers children, she brags about not wanting to take care of them and that he has to quit his job to take care of them himself. They all live together and the oldest boy has autism. It's quite sad. I'll hope and pray those two children get the love and care they each deserve. I don't think it'll happen in that family.
I have a beautiful life. I have a husband and two daughters .. and they all love me. I don't want to be constantly consumed with this as it takes away from them. They deserve the best me ...
Friday, 8 April 2011
I had a good therapy session yesterday. I spoke a little (and I do mean little) bit of what had been done to me. Part of me felt good to have some release, as I've held it in for so long. Another part of me felt guilty that I "told". Why, after 20 years, is there still so much shame and guilt. I know it wasn't my fault, yet I feel like I don't have the right to talk about it.
I felt I had to send an email making it clear they are not to contact my children, as last Friday they approached my oldest outside her place of work. That didn't go over well at all. The reply email was from my mother explaining my childhood experiences are subject to interpretation and one sided. Um..hello?!? I, all my therapists, the government, foster parents, and quite a few others interpret it as child abuse. Sexual, physical and emotional child abuse. They've also said over and over again that it's not my fault. There's your interpretation, bitch.
My brother also disowned me yesterday. He was 7 yrs old when I was taken away and he remained in their care. He's "on their side."
I'm an adult. I let my life spiral out of control because I chose not to deal with any of this. At one point I even tried to have a relationship with them after the fact. I had to listen to my mother describe the worst time of my life as "the incident". When I finally realized the level of dysfunction in my family and resolved to sever the ties, there was a big argument about "the timing". Turns out that since I didn't keep a detailed summary of my abuse and the events, I was a liar. For fuck sakes...I WAS A CHILD! DO YOU HEAR ME? A CHILD! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTED! All these years later, nothing has changed. Not one fucking thing. I have to deal with it all. Hard to say which feels worse some days..the actual abuse or the complete abandonment from my mother.
I'm supposed to write my story this week. I haven't even tried to write it out. The words will disgust me. However, letting it out will be therapeutic...or so I'm told. We'll see.
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
... Here's a few of my fav lines so far...