Monday, 12 September 2011

Ready to Puuuurrrrrge!

First off...85 days smoke free. Not feeling overly confident that it's "kicked" this time...just grateful for each day I go without smoking.

I finally got my file from the Ministry of Family and Child services, actually I've had it for about a month. It's been an emotional roller coaster for me since. One day I'm feeling okay and not giving it a thought or an ounce of my energy and then I'm knocked on my ass by the huge wave of emotion that consumes me when I think about it. My therapist had suggested I burn the file after I read through the pages...purging of my past. It's been on my mind a lot lately. I can fully understand the connection my childhood has to my current stresses and I feel a pushy feeling inside me. Like it's time?

The contents of the file really explain my issues with my mother. The abandonment especially. And the "tools" (or lack thereof) I've used for "coping" for the last twenty years. Anger, guilt and manipulation were her specialties...seems I learned from the master. ;) However, unlike her, I have become aware in my sobriety these don't actually work for me. They don't get my needs met. They hindered my healing. I had to unlearn what I had learned.There are still times I experience my negative thought patterns and I think it's time to "let go". Scary! As dysfunctional as this is going to childhood is what I know. It's familiar. It's my excuse and my reasoning. Letting go is unknown.

Freedom is finally worth overcoming the fear.

Now...I just got to go start a fire!

Who knows, I might even write that damn letter. You know the one (get your feelings out, tell her how you really feel. you don't have to give her the letter) - that letter. That thought isn't as uncomfortable as it has been in the past. I can even (almost) see the words I would put on the paper.

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