Wednesday, 21 September 2011

AHA moment!

A few things I've figured out this week.

My negativity is out of control because I choose to let it be that way. Simple.  When other people refuse to work on themselves and I allow those thoughts to interfere with my own healing that is my choice. Allowing myself to absorb someone else's negativity is in my control. Changing someone else's negative thought patterns is not in my control. Easy.

Yesterday was a brutal day in no smoking land. I had come close to buying one of those little prime time cigarillos.  Well, I had the plan worked out anyway.  But I went to the mall and bought a $70 purse instead. Can't really afford it, but the bank card said approved and yesterday that was good enough for me. And not smoking for a week, the purse is pretty much paid for. I've done that 13 and half times. JUSTIFIED!! ;)

Back to the epiphany. It just clicked a few minutes ago.

I've been miserable! It's the whole quit smoking thing. I'm unmotivated, lazy and effin whiny ... for roughly three months. My resentment is building up and anger is knockin on the back door. I feel a little distant from a lot of people too. I couldn't figure out why everything was so different for me last year. Well...I've got it!

(This is the part where I really need to pay attention and listen to myself closely!!!)

Last year I was focused on my healing. It really became a life or death situation and I immersed myself into change. My whole heart, mind, body and soul was in a great deal of distress so I did what was necessary and learned to love and nurture myself. While I was doing all this work and learning to be the "real" me, I had little to no time to concern myself with other people's crap. I wasn't as caught up in it.

Fast forward...quitting smoking brings up a new wave of emotions and feelings I hadn't quite finished dealing with during the first year of sobriety. Mostly my insecurities (and childhood crap..but mostly it's the insecurities). I have some core issues with abandonment and being alone. Although, I have been alone and proven to myself I am strong enough to get through anything, the whole idea does still rear anxiety and a lot of it. Crippling anxiety. And when it hits I dwell in negative land. I become unmotivated. Then more anxiety. Repeat.

So...obviously it will pass. I do know (and feel) this. I need to remind myself of a couple of things. First, people who do not want to heal, change or even improve their lives are hurting themselves. Do not let them bring me down. Second, people who live in a negative bubble are miserable and only trying to share their pain. Do not accept it. Leave it with them. Third, remember that I have so much strength inside me. Combined with my courage and perseverance I really do feel I can accomplish anything. It's time to make healing my first priority. And, like before, have an open mind, soft heart and remember everything happens for a reason.


Monday, 19 September 2011

3 months!!!

I have 3 months smoke free! I'm pretty excited and proud of myself. I also have 15 extra pounds...not as exciting. Those are leaving pretty damn quick. Today is the day I remain attentive to my food intake and make sensitive choices. Water over pop. Fruit over sugar. Veggies instead of chips. It's a good start and I know I can stick to it for one day. Just today.

Funny how everything in my life goes back to "one day at a time". Addict to the core, I guess. I'd love to be addicted to meditating, sensible eating and proper exercise. To be addicted to balance! Hehe

This whole "new me" thing isn't easy. It seemed to be at first, but I was still smoking. It's AMAZING how much smoking covers everything. Not only is nicotine a powerful, physically addicting's also a wonderful tool used to stuff emotions/feelings/memories. It's an insanely hard habit to kick.

I believe it gets better. Trust the process, right?

Monday, 12 September 2011

Ready to Puuuurrrrrge!

First off...85 days smoke free. Not feeling overly confident that it's "kicked" this time...just grateful for each day I go without smoking.

I finally got my file from the Ministry of Family and Child services, actually I've had it for about a month. It's been an emotional roller coaster for me since. One day I'm feeling okay and not giving it a thought or an ounce of my energy and then I'm knocked on my ass by the huge wave of emotion that consumes me when I think about it. My therapist had suggested I burn the file after I read through the pages...purging of my past. It's been on my mind a lot lately. I can fully understand the connection my childhood has to my current stresses and I feel a pushy feeling inside me. Like it's time?

The contents of the file really explain my issues with my mother. The abandonment especially. And the "tools" (or lack thereof) I've used for "coping" for the last twenty years. Anger, guilt and manipulation were her specialties...seems I learned from the master. ;) However, unlike her, I have become aware in my sobriety these don't actually work for me. They don't get my needs met. They hindered my healing. I had to unlearn what I had learned.There are still times I experience my negative thought patterns and I think it's time to "let go". Scary! As dysfunctional as this is going to childhood is what I know. It's familiar. It's my excuse and my reasoning. Letting go is unknown.

Freedom is finally worth overcoming the fear.

Now...I just got to go start a fire!

Who knows, I might even write that damn letter. You know the one (get your feelings out, tell her how you really feel. you don't have to give her the letter) - that letter. That thought isn't as uncomfortable as it has been in the past. I can even (almost) see the words I would put on the paper.