Friday, 29 April 2011
Thursday, 28 April 2011
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."
— Melody Beattie
I had a great night sleep last night! I could do without the dismal weather, but with May on the horizon so it won't last forever.
I'm making changes again! I'll start small. Today I will drink more water and stay away from wheat products. I want to be the best me physically, emotionally and mentally. I have a plan! I'm going to make a small change every couple of days...like everything else in life...it all adds up.
Monday, 25 April 2011
Saturday, 23 April 2011
What a difference a little sunshine makes!
We got the chance to get some much needed yard work done yesterday, and I have plans to do some more today. Our goal is to get all the weeding done and start assembling a garden next weekend. It's soooo much work. Since we procrastinate and let things slide around here, the amount to be done of work to be done is daunting. However, it's already starting to look a thousand times better.
Our lives are like that too..we wait until things are going the complete wrong way before we start clean up. By that time it's overwhelming and a ton of work. If we did a little bit all the time, it wouldn't get so out of control and we could enjoy the rewards much more often. Profound, I am!
Thursday, 21 April 2011
My stomach hurts so bad. I feel weaker than ever. I just want to fall to my knees and pray a higher something or other takes the reins and leads us to better ground.
Thursday, 14 April 2011
For a whole year every Thursday meant something. I would even get up and make breakfasts on Thursdays for a large chunk of the first year. Now Thursdays have gone back to being just another day of the week. Odd because for the most part I felt guilty about celebrating something that should never have happened in the first place. Yet...
It's been really blah around here this morning...so I wanted to notice this Thursday.
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
My oldest had to write a couple of essays for english. She isn't aware but I know one of them is about the last couple years and focused mainly on how my drinking affected her life.
As I sit in the waiting area of the counselor's office while my youngest has her session, I'm contemplating.
I was once incredibly selfish, irresponsible and neglectful. It's hard to understand how I could have been such a horrific person. I know now the drunk me isn't who I truly am...but it took a lot of drinking and traumatizing my own daughters to figure it out. Not to mention how close I came to losing my best friend and their daddy.
The whole thing just breaks my heart. Pain begets pain. My parents pain became my pain became my children's pain.
Alcohol is poison to me. I chose the bottle over my family far too many times and the damage done is terrible. I only hope the work I'm doing now helps to ease some of their pain.
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
I have no idea what my life would've been like had my parents taken their own opportunity to see the dysfunction and mental illness that runs deep through generations. Different for sure. Better or worse?
I think life gives us all moments to step aside and assess ourselves, plenty of chances to heal. I can think of a couple times in my past where I could've jumped on the healing bandwagon. I also know dealing with what I'm going through now would've been next to impossible at a younger age. The fear of knowing where I'll end up now pushes me to continue with counselling..pushes me to "heal".
This was going to be a different entry today as I'm trying hard to accept what is and to stop obsessing. Everything happens for a reason and today's phone call made me realize that I am blessed. I'm starting to see I am strong. It feels like praising myself and it's not comfortable, yet I cannot deny it. I could easily turn my back and find chemical ways for coping. As hard as it is, I prefer this path.
I did say I'm feeling good today. I am. Blessed and grateful for my husband, daughters and chosen family..their love and support amazes me everyday.
Monday, 11 April 2011
Sometime yesterday I realized I was wasting far too much time worried about the love I didn't get in the past and not paying attention to the love I have now. Both in giving and receiving.
I think it's important to have a grieving period but not to stay there too long. Everything is what it is. Not what it should be, not what it could be, just what it is.
When I think of the present my heart swells and I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I love my life. Today gets my focus.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
I'm aching to meditate again. It scares me though. I have a lot of daytime flashes lately, and meditation has accelerated them in the past. I've been scouring the internet looking for any information on meditation for survivors. Lots of info to confirm what I've already experienced, but not a whole lot about how I get past it. Frustrating.
I want to let go. Maybe surrender? I don't know what that means to me though. Surrender to what?
It's like I am standing on an edge (?) and there is beauty and freedom in my next step...I just don't know how to make myself lift my damn foot and take the step.
Saturday, 9 April 2011
I really just want to move past. How it is now is how it's always been and how it will always be. She wasn't meant to be a mother. Even today, with my brothers children, she brags about not wanting to take care of them and that he has to quit his job to take care of them himself. They all live together and the oldest boy has autism. It's quite sad. I'll hope and pray those two children get the love and care they each deserve. I don't think it'll happen in that family.
I have a beautiful life. I have a husband and two daughters .. and they all love me. I don't want to be constantly consumed with this as it takes away from them. They deserve the best me ...
Friday, 8 April 2011
I had a good therapy session yesterday. I spoke a little (and I do mean little) bit of what had been done to me. Part of me felt good to have some release, as I've held it in for so long. Another part of me felt guilty that I "told". Why, after 20 years, is there still so much shame and guilt. I know it wasn't my fault, yet I feel like I don't have the right to talk about it.
I felt I had to send an email making it clear they are not to contact my children, as last Friday they approached my oldest outside her place of work. That didn't go over well at all. The reply email was from my mother explaining my childhood experiences are subject to interpretation and one sided. Um..hello?!? I, all my therapists, the government, foster parents, and quite a few others interpret it as child abuse. Sexual, physical and emotional child abuse. They've also said over and over again that it's not my fault. There's your interpretation, bitch.
My brother also disowned me yesterday. He was 7 yrs old when I was taken away and he remained in their care. He's "on their side."
I'm an adult. I let my life spiral out of control because I chose not to deal with any of this. At one point I even tried to have a relationship with them after the fact. I had to listen to my mother describe the worst time of my life as "the incident". When I finally realized the level of dysfunction in my family and resolved to sever the ties, there was a big argument about "the timing". Turns out that since I didn't keep a detailed summary of my abuse and the events, I was a liar. For fuck sakes...I WAS A CHILD! DO YOU HEAR ME? A CHILD! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTED! All these years later, nothing has changed. Not one fucking thing. I have to deal with it all. Hard to say which feels worse some days..the actual abuse or the complete abandonment from my mother.
I'm supposed to write my story this week. I haven't even tried to write it out. The words will disgust me. However, letting it out will be therapeutic...or so I'm told. We'll see.
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
... Here's a few of my fav lines so far...