Friday, 29 July 2011

Every day is an adventure.

I'm referring to my mind. It's a zoo in there! I'm certain I will, once again (somewhat), level out...but for now ...

I'm back to meditating. I'm not sure if that is a safe or even accurate thing to say as I've only meditated twice in three days. But it's a gigantic improvement and certainly a step taken. 

I've also started reading through the Buddhism course I signed up for a few weeks back. Lesson 2 was hard to concentrate on. It explained the different types of Buddhism and which is practiced where. Once I finished reading about the origin, and about Buddha himself, I lost all focus. I'll have to go back and reread it one day. But for today, I'll move on to lesson 3. 

I'm thankful yesterday is behind me. It was a rough one. No smoking though. Yay! My rational mind laughs at the idea of smoking to relieve any sort of mental and emotional discomfort. But when those moments hit, there is NO sign of my rational mind anywhere. It's temporary. I'm really hoping it's short temporary. 

At any rate....40 days smokefree. <3

Thursday, 28 July 2011

I think I've calmed down?

I'm not willing to smoke any more right some improvement.

Welcome to the Crazy Train! All aboard!


I meditated for the first time in 6 months last night. I felt great afterwards. It was pretty uncomfortable at first...but even just the steady breathing is relaxing and calms my nerves.

Also made it to the gym this morning. Wasn't at all into it, as it's been at least 3 weeks (i think longer though) since we've been. Have to get use to it again and then I'll look forward to the work outs. Thankfully it doesn't take long.

I'm so tired today. Might have something to do with today's meltdown or today's meltdown made me tired. I don't know. Either way....***YAWN***

Just one

This is the first time I've really really really wanted just one cigarette in this quit.


I hate feeling this freaking mental. And how retarded to think smoking will make me feel better. I'd be right back here again.

Happy day fucking 40.


Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Random ramblings

I didn't sleep well last night, my stomach is still incredibly sore this morning and my headspace is all about the negative. I have to write something, even if it's all over the place and doesn't make sense.

Quitting smoking - I'm so choked I'm back here again. It's day 39 (which is great) but for the amount of attempts at this crap I really should've kicked it a long time ago and not struggling so hard to hit the six week mark. Nothing about smoking makes any sense and I'm a fairly intelligent person....freaking addictions. They'll cripple anyone.

And while I'm bitching....why does it seem so easy to be unmotivated? Was hitting the gym on a regular basis, feeling fantastic - a couple of health things come up and temporarily put everything on hold and now the gym seems like work again. I won't make myself go. I'm pretty much deciding that feeling great and improving my health is too much work so I'll sit at home and whine about everything in this here blog. I could actually pick my ass off this chair and head to the gym now. But I'm gonna just keep on typing.

Same with meditation. Won't do it. Both the gym and meditation will probably help my stomach issues for more effectively than the umpteen pills the doctors have all thrown at me...yet, I do nothing. I take the pills, sleep like crap, suffer for a couple nights of month then whine, bitch and moan. Why? What is it about positive changes? No one wants to suffer but how much is anyone doing to avoid suffering? I'm all about it apparently. Won't do anything then parade through life on my "woe is me" pity train.

SOOO frustrated right now.

Kay...feeling a little better. Just feeling so stagnant in life right now and have no idea why I stand in my own way all of the time. On with my day....

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Misfit Me

If it wasn't for my husband and daughters, I'd go insane. (I hope they know just how much I love them!)

I'm blaming it all on quitting smoking..but just feels like I don't belong any where. What is my problem? I get that it probably stems from not fitting in with my own birth family and just became a fast moving train wreck from there. And most of the time I really could care less. But lately it's eating at me.

I suppose I could drive myself mental with all this. I probably have already started.

To top it off I'm sick so the neediness is kicked up a few notches. And I'm whiny.

I cannot wait for this to pass. I went through it when I quit drinking. It was brutal then and it's brutal now. The upside is that I do know I come out of this with a greater sense of self. Just need to ride the wave, I guess.

Addictions suck.