Wednesday, 21 September 2011

AHA moment!

A few things I've figured out this week.

My negativity is out of control because I choose to let it be that way. Simple.  When other people refuse to work on themselves and I allow those thoughts to interfere with my own healing that is my choice. Allowing myself to absorb someone else's negativity is in my control. Changing someone else's negative thought patterns is not in my control. Easy.

Yesterday was a brutal day in no smoking land. I had come close to buying one of those little prime time cigarillos.  Well, I had the plan worked out anyway.  But I went to the mall and bought a $70 purse instead. Can't really afford it, but the bank card said approved and yesterday that was good enough for me. And not smoking for a week, the purse is pretty much paid for. I've done that 13 and half times. JUSTIFIED!! ;)

Back to the epiphany. It just clicked a few minutes ago.

I've been miserable! It's the whole quit smoking thing. I'm unmotivated, lazy and effin whiny ... for roughly three months. My resentment is building up and anger is knockin on the back door. I feel a little distant from a lot of people too. I couldn't figure out why everything was so different for me last year. Well...I've got it!

(This is the part where I really need to pay attention and listen to myself closely!!!)

Last year I was focused on my healing. It really became a life or death situation and I immersed myself into change. My whole heart, mind, body and soul was in a great deal of distress so I did what was necessary and learned to love and nurture myself. While I was doing all this work and learning to be the "real" me, I had little to no time to concern myself with other people's crap. I wasn't as caught up in it.

Fast forward...quitting smoking brings up a new wave of emotions and feelings I hadn't quite finished dealing with during the first year of sobriety. Mostly my insecurities (and childhood crap..but mostly it's the insecurities). I have some core issues with abandonment and being alone. Although, I have been alone and proven to myself I am strong enough to get through anything, the whole idea does still rear anxiety and a lot of it. Crippling anxiety. And when it hits I dwell in negative land. I become unmotivated. Then more anxiety. Repeat.

So...obviously it will pass. I do know (and feel) this. I need to remind myself of a couple of things. First, people who do not want to heal, change or even improve their lives are hurting themselves. Do not let them bring me down. Second, people who live in a negative bubble are miserable and only trying to share their pain. Do not accept it. Leave it with them. Third, remember that I have so much strength inside me. Combined with my courage and perseverance I really do feel I can accomplish anything. It's time to make healing my first priority. And, like before, have an open mind, soft heart and remember everything happens for a reason.


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