Happiness

Quote of the day....

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.- Groucho Marx

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Once an angry man insulted the Buddha. The Buddha simply asked the man if people ever visited him in his home. Surprised at the change of topic, the man answered yes.

The Buddha then asked if his visitors ever brought gifts. When the man replied yes again, the Buddha asked what would happen if he refused to accept the gifts? Who would the gifts belong to then? The man said that, of course, they would still belong to those who brought them.

The Buddha then calmly and kindly said, "In the same way, since I do not accept your insults, they remain with you."

Author - Unknown.

I love this story. I love the moral. The same theory can be said about any negative energy. If you choose to accept someone else's ..it becomes yours. If you choose not to accept it...it remains theirs.

<3

Gratitude

My quote for today..

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." 
— Melody Beattie

I had a great night sleep last night! I could do without the dismal weather, but with May on the horizon so it won't last forever.

I'm making changes again! I'll start small. Today I will drink more water and stay away from wheat products. I want to be the best me physically, emotionally and mentally. I have a plan! I'm going to make a small change every couple of days...like everything else in life...it all adds up.

<3

Spiritually disconnected

I took a career decision making course this time last year and every morning we had "check in". We had to use one word to describe how we were feeling physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and group wise. Right now...

Physically - rested

Emotionally - happy

Mentally - busy

Spiritually - lost/disconnected

Group - well I'm home by myself right now ;)

My sister in law and her family were here for dinner yesterday and they had just come back from an AA round up. They definitely had their spiritual batteries recharged. 

~~~Spirituality can refer to an ultimate reality or transcendent dimension of the world; an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of his or her being, or the “deepest values and meanings by which people live.

~~~Spirituality is defined as the  “human quest for personal meaning and mutually fulfilling relationships among people, the nonhuman environment, and, for some, God” 

It's this feeling of disconnection that has me feeling incomplete at the moment. Off-kilter. 

Whenever I'm reading about Buddhism or meditating on a regular basis I have a comfortable (almost complete) feeling come over me. I know I need to make my own spirituality a priority in order to put "the best me" out there. It's easy to get caught up in the daily this or that...only to notice one day something isn't right. I've had this before and until last year wasn't able to recognize the "missing" element. Just knowing is reassuring, but not enough. Time to scale back the hectic lifestyle as best I can right now and work on myself a bit. 

Spring is here!

Finally!!!

What a difference a little sunshine makes!

We got the chance to get some much needed yard work done yesterday, and I have plans to do some more today. Our goal is to get all the weeding done and start assembling a garden next weekend. It's soooo much work. Since we procrastinate and let things slide around here, the amount to be done of work to be done is daunting. However, it's already starting to look a thousand times better.

Our lives are like that too..we wait until things are going the complete wrong way before we start clean up. By that time it's overwhelming and a ton of work. If we did a little bit all the time, it wouldn't get so out of control and we could enjoy the rewards much more often. Profound, I am!

Lost

We're in a horrible spot right now and I don't know what to do. I really feel like my insanity is slipping and I can only sit and watch it go. My heart aches for my husband and daughter. I think now is a good time to believe in god or something bigger than me to pull us through this. Really seems so unfair to have come so far, and then to be here is this icky place.

My stomach hurts so bad. I feel weaker than ever. I just want to fall to my knees and pray a higher something or other takes the reins and leads us to better ground.

434 days

62 weeks. Not a milestone or anything.

For a whole year every Thursday meant something. I would even get up and make breakfasts on Thursdays for a large chunk of the first year. Now Thursdays have gone back to being just another day of the week. Odd because for the most part I felt guilty about celebrating something that should never have happened in the first place. Yet...

It's been really blah around here this morning...so I wanted to notice this Thursday.

<3

What's your poison?

My oldest had to write a couple of essays for english. She isn't aware but I know one of them is about the last couple years and focused mainly on how my drinking affected her life.

:(

As I sit in the waiting area of the counselor's office while my youngest has her session, I'm contemplating.

I was once incredibly selfish, irresponsible and neglectful. It's hard to understand how I could have been such a horrific person. I know now the drunk me isn't who I truly am...but it took a lot of drinking and traumatizing my own daughters to figure it out. Not to mention how close I came to losing my best friend and their daddy.

The whole thing just breaks my heart. Pain begets pain. My parents pain became my pain became my children's pain.

Alcohol is poison to me. I chose the bottle over my family far too many times and the damage done is terrible. I only hope the work I'm doing now helps to ease some of their pain.

Feeling good today

I just spent the last half hour on the phone with my sister in law while she described what it's like dealing with sick parents. It seems, that for whatever reason, each of us has used an opportunity in life to take an outside view of our birth families and see them for what they are.

I have no idea what my life would've been like had my parents taken their own opportunity to see the dysfunction and mental illness that runs deep through generations. Different for sure. Better or worse?

I think life gives us all moments to step aside and assess ourselves,  plenty of chances to heal. I can think of a couple times in my past where I could've jumped on the healing bandwagon. I also know dealing with what I'm going through now would've been next to impossible at a younger age. The fear of knowing where I'll end up now pushes me to continue with counselling..pushes me to "heal".

This was going to be a different entry today as I'm trying hard to accept what is and to stop obsessing. Everything happens for a reason and today's phone call made me realize that I am blessed. I'm starting to see I am strong. It feels like praising myself and it's not comfortable, yet I cannot deny it. I could easily turn my back and find chemical ways for coping. As hard as it is, I prefer this path.

I did say I'm feeling good today.  I am. Blessed and grateful for my husband, daughters and chosen family..their love and support amazes me everyday.

L.O.V.E.

Where there is love there is life.
Mohandas Gandhi

Sometime yesterday I realized I was wasting far too much time worried about the love I didn't get in the past and not paying attention to the love I have now. Both in giving and receiving.

I think it's important to have a grieving period but not to stay there too long. Everything is what it is. Not what it should be, not what it could be, just what it is.

When I think of the present my heart swells and I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I love my life. Today gets my focus.

<3

It's getting closer...

I'm having some weird feelings today. Anxiety for sure, but something else is there. Desperation almost. And a knowing that something is happening to me. Am I cracking? Will I persevere or lose my mind?

I'm aching to meditate again. It scares me though. I have a lot of daytime flashes lately, and meditation has accelerated them in the past. I've been scouring the internet looking for any information on meditation for survivors. Lots of info to confirm what I've already experienced, but not a whole lot about how I get past it. Frustrating.

I want to let go. Maybe surrender? I don't know what that means to me though. Surrender to what?

It's like I am standing on an edge (?) and there is beauty and freedom in my next step...I just don't know how to make myself lift my damn foot and take the step.

Today is a better day

I'm not feeling as angry today. A little sad maybe, but it's not as intense as it has been.

I really just want to move past. How it is now is how it's always been and how it will always be. She wasn't meant to be a mother. Even today, with my brothers children, she brags about not wanting to take care of them and that he has to quit his job to take care of them himself. They all live together and the oldest boy has autism. It's quite sad. I'll hope and pray those two children get the love and care they each deserve. I don't think it'll happen in that family.

I have a beautiful life. I have a husband and two daughters .. and they all love me. I don't want to be constantly consumed with this as it takes away from them. They deserve the best me ...

<3

When does it go away?

It's weird reading through previous posts and then sitting here today. I could careless about validation and forgiveness. I feel like an angry child and I hate them.

I had a good therapy session yesterday. I spoke a little (and I do mean little) bit of what had been done to me. Part of me felt good to have some release, as I've held it in for so long. Another part of me felt guilty that I "told". Why, after 20 years, is there still so much shame and guilt. I know it wasn't my fault, yet I feel like I don't have the right to talk about it.

I felt I had to send an email making it clear they are not to contact my children, as last Friday they approached my oldest outside her place of work. That didn't go over well at all. The reply email was from my mother explaining my childhood experiences are subject to interpretation and one sided. Um..hello?!? I, all my therapists, the government, foster parents, and quite a few others interpret it as child abuse. Sexual, physical and emotional child abuse. They've also said over and over again that it's not my fault. There's your interpretation, bitch.

My brother also disowned me yesterday. He was 7 yrs old when I was taken away and he remained in their care. He's "on their side."

I'm an adult. I let my life spiral out of control because I chose not to deal with any of this. At one point I even tried to have a relationship with them after the fact. I had to listen to my mother describe the worst time of my life as "the incident". When I finally realized the level of dysfunction in my family and resolved to sever the ties, there was a big argument about "the timing". Turns out that since I didn't keep a detailed summary of my abuse and the events, I was a liar. For fuck sakes...I WAS A CHILD! DO YOU HEAR ME? A CHILD! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTED! All these years later, nothing has changed. Not one fucking thing. I have to deal with it all. Hard to say which feels worse some days..the actual abuse or the complete abandonment from my mother.

I'm supposed to write my story this week. I haven't even tried to write it out. The words will disgust me. However, letting it out will be therapeutic...or so I'm told. We'll see.

Validation and Forgiveness

Two gigantic words. And, what I believe, to be the key words in my life.

I'm always working at "forgiving". I can come up with very logical reasons to forgive. "They were abused." "They never healed and are still sick."...yada, yada, yada.

Yet, I feel if I "forgive" them that I am "okaying" everything. It's like I've put additional pressure on myself to forgive what was done to me. If I can't forgive, I'll never heal and I will have noone to blame for my pain in my adult life.

I met with my daughter's counselor yesterday, and she pointed out my own lack of self validation. At first I didn't agree. But she's right. How does someone validate themselves when they were never validated in the first place? I guess we learn. ;)

I have a great support system..and know (now!) that the validation I needed and craved has been there. But if I'm not giving it to myself, it's near impossible to accept it.

I thought of this yesterday. It's overwhelming yet exciting, and going to be hard to put my thoughts into sentences that make sense.

I'm very critical of myself. I expect that since I've decided to "heal", it should be easy and I should be farther along than I am. I get frustrated when I don't do the things I'm supposed to do to keep balance in my life. I'm annoyed when I'm impatient with my daughters, husband and myself. I berate myself when irrational thinking patterns take over. I'm also fairly critical towards others, although I can say I've become less judgmental towards the ones I love the most.

My best understanding is this...

1) the sexual abuse I went through is completely unvalidated by my parents. I'm the liar who ruined their lives and destroyed the family. My brother lives with them, so it's like I've spent 20 years of my life with this internal struggle because none of them were on my side.

2) the physical abuse has always been minimized. It's okay to hit me with a belt because there were studs or a buckle on it. It's okay to use physical force to discipline because that's how they were raised and they "turned out ok" (Are they fucking kidding me with this? They're okay?!?)

3) the constant name calling and berating wassn't even really acknowledge for what it was. Nor was it completely denied. I was just too sensitive. "It was a joke"

4) the expectation of what I was supposed to do around the house. Clean, make meals, take care of my brother, etc. No praise...just higher expectations met with more criticism.

I know why I was so riled by my parents reappearance on Friday. My mother had the audacity to minimize everything once again! Referred to my life and struggles and lack of relationship with her as "this thing". She thinks it's okay to have some sort of secret relationships with people in my life.

It's time to validate and forgive myself. To understand and accept my childhood. To ease up on my own expectations. To learn how to give myself the encouragement and praise I lacked growing up. Honestly..I really don't know how to go about this. But even just the realization makes me feel better. Oh ... Miss Therapist!!

So much happens in a week. I sometimes struggle to keep up.

I woke up feeling pretty good today. And for a minute even the sun was shining! I've started rereading "The Call" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0061116696?ie=UTF8&tag=oriah-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0061116696

... Here's a few of my fav lines so far...

"I want to know hot to do it differently, how to let the love I know is within me guide me when I am tired and impatient and judgmental with those around me."

"What you are looking for cannot be earned or paid for with suffering or hard work. It's a gift. Grace. It can only be received."

"Try easier."

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I'll leave the rest of this entry as it is. I wrote the second half first, but wanted to put my favourite lines from the book I'm reading at the beginning of my blog entry. As I typed "Try easier", the day took an entertaining and stressful turn. I've spent the last two hours dealing with rude people while trying to straighten out bill payments and the money wrongfully taken from my bank account. Didn't get the exact results I was hoping for, but I can breathe a bit and relax while I wait.

Try easier...hahaha. Easier typed than done.

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Something is starting to happen in the healing part of my life. New, more intense feelings have surfaced this week. And it's all about my childhood. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the recent interaction between my parents and my oldest child have triggered all of this. Seems there is a whole lot of anger still. No matter how many times I've said I'm working towards forgiving them...here I sit..pissed right off. Quite grateful for a two hour counselling session this week. I'm gonna need it!