Damn you nicotine!

So I have to quit smoking AGAIN! This is ridiculous! Even I'm tired of hearing myself say "I quit smoking!" It's been an ongoing battle for, what feels like, forever! I've never had a good excuse for starting again. Just a freakin addict who is capable of justifying anything when I want to feed the monster inside me.

I need a plan. I need to examine what I've done in the past and decide what I am doing for my last quit. This time I need to determine what will "replace" cigarettes.

So...

MY QUIT PLAN!

~Meditation in the morning to combat the anxiety attack that happens as soon as I realize I am not having that first cigarette.
~Meditation throughout the day when the "end all" cravings hit.
~Yoga to ground myself and to bring exercise back into my life.
~A journal to keep me focused on why I need to stay away from the poisonous crap.
~WATER! Oh so much water! Flush out those damn toxins!
~Deep breathing.
~Baths. As many as I need in the first few days.
~A good bye letter to nicotine. It's time to part ways.
~PATIENCE! Need to be gentle with myself. It's not just willpower. It's the fight of my life. Compassion and loving kindness for myself will go a long way.

And a quit date. I'm doing this cold turkey. The anxiety will subside and I believe all my other "attempts" have failed when I've tried to quit whatever "vessel" I've used to deliver the drug. Nicotine is the addiction.

Stay tuned!

It's been a long climb.

It's been hard for me to "heal". I suppose it's hard for everyone to heal. The word heal suggests work .. physically, mentally or emotionally. I knew at the beginning of my journey I was in for a long uphill climb, and just assumed the view from the top would be so astounding and so beautiful that I resolved to get there no matter what. So I took a step. Then I took another and another. A few times I've fallen or slid down, but always manage to find a source of inner strength and continue onward.

At the end of this past summer I climbed a popular mountain in my area. It's a decent hike and the view from the top is breathtaking. I really did feel like I was on top of the world. What I didn't count on or anticipate was the incredibly gorgeous views on the way up. Tops of mountains near or glimpses of valleys in between the mountains. Equally as stunning. 

Same with my personal journey. There have been glorious breaks with amazing lookout spots along the way. And the more focused I have been about getting to the top of my "personal mountain" the less I've noticed these wonderful, encouraging views. 

I struggled with my faith because I couldn't name it. Or wasn't able to comprehend not having a "thing" to believe in when the whole time I had faith in my spiritual practice. It was there the whole time. It's me. Mindfulness, meditation and loving kindness. Once I stopped and just took a look around it became clear. And now I believe wholeheartedly in the power of my spiritual practice. It gives me strength. It protects me. Once I had compassion for myself, my soul just opened up. I now meditate and listen to Dharma on a daily basis. Buddhism has been there all along and once I stopped fighting...well, I felt "home". 

I struggle with my anxiety. I have to get over my anxiety. I shouldn't let it control me as I do. I stopped and looked around at the view. My anxiety used to be masked by intense anger and rage. My anxiety and my fears were once transformed into a weapon against everyone else. I rarely experience deep anger. In fact, historical anger is so rare to me now that I feel physically ill when I experience that feeling. I've made huge progress. To let go of anger and understand my anxiety is incredibly significant. I know most of my anxiety and fears are still from childhood and that awareness alone should be celebrated.

I still have a long way up the mountain. But I have an appreciation for the moments of beauty along the way. What's the point of reaching the top if I haven't enjoyed, honored and loved myself through the process?

<3

AHA moment!

A few things I've figured out this week.

My negativity is out of control because I choose to let it be that way. Simple.  When other people refuse to work on themselves and I allow those thoughts to interfere with my own healing that is my choice. Allowing myself to absorb someone else's negativity is in my control. Changing someone else's negative thought patterns is not in my control. Easy.

Yesterday was a brutal day in no smoking land. I had come close to buying one of those little prime time cigarillos.  Well, I had the plan worked out anyway.  But I went to the mall and bought a $70 purse instead. Can't really afford it, but the bank card said approved and yesterday that was good enough for me. And really...by not smoking for a week, the purse is pretty much paid for. I've done that 13 and half times. JUSTIFIED!! ;)

Back to the epiphany. It just clicked a few minutes ago.

I've been miserable! It's the whole quit smoking thing. I'm unmotivated, lazy and effin whiny ... for roughly three months. My resentment is building up and anger is knockin on the back door. I feel a little distant from a lot of people too. I couldn't figure out why everything was so different for me last year. Well...I've got it!

(This is the part where I really need to pay attention and listen to myself closely!!!)

Last year I was focused on my healing. It really became a life or death situation and I immersed myself into change. My whole heart, mind, body and soul was in a great deal of distress so I did what was necessary and learned to love and nurture myself. While I was doing all this work and learning to be the "real" me, I had little to no time to concern myself with other people's crap. I wasn't as caught up in it.

Fast forward...quitting smoking brings up a new wave of emotions and feelings I hadn't quite finished dealing with during the first year of sobriety. Mostly my insecurities (and childhood crap..but mostly it's the insecurities). I have some core issues with abandonment and being alone. Although, I have been alone and proven to myself I am strong enough to get through anything, the whole idea does still rear anxiety and a lot of it. Crippling anxiety. And when it hits I dwell in negative land. I become unmotivated. Then more anxiety. Repeat.

So...obviously it will pass. I do know (and feel) this. I need to remind myself of a couple of things. First, people who do not want to heal, change or even improve their lives are hurting themselves. Do not let them bring me down. Second, people who live in a negative bubble are miserable and only trying to share their pain. Do not accept it. Leave it with them. Third, remember that I have so much strength inside me. Combined with my courage and perseverance I really do feel I can accomplish anything. It's time to make healing my first priority. And, like before, have an open mind, soft heart and remember everything happens for a reason.

<3

3 months!!!

I have 3 months smoke free! I'm pretty excited and proud of myself. I also have 15 extra pounds...not as exciting. Those are leaving pretty damn quick. Today is the day I remain attentive to my food intake and make sensitive choices. Water over pop. Fruit over sugar. Veggies instead of chips. It's a good start and I know I can stick to it for one day. Just today.

Funny how everything in my life goes back to "one day at a time". Addict to the core, I guess. I'd love to be addicted to meditating, sensible eating and proper exercise. To be addicted to balance! Hehe

This whole "new me" thing isn't easy. It seemed to be at first, but I was still smoking. It's AMAZING how much smoking covers everything. Not only is nicotine a powerful, physically addicting drug...it's also a wonderful tool used to stuff emotions/feelings/memories. It's an insanely hard habit to kick.

I believe it gets better. Trust the process, right?

Ready to Puuuurrrrrge!

First off...85 days smoke free. Not feeling overly confident that it's "kicked" this time...just grateful for each day I go without smoking.

I finally got my file from the Ministry of Family and Child services, actually I've had it for about a month. It's been an emotional roller coaster for me since. One day I'm feeling okay and not giving it a thought or an ounce of my energy and then I'm knocked on my ass by the huge wave of emotion that consumes me when I think about it. My therapist had suggested I burn the file after I read through the pages...purging of my past. It's been on my mind a lot lately. I can fully understand the connection my childhood has to my current stresses and I feel a pushy feeling inside me. Like it's time?

The contents of the file really explain my issues with my mother. The abandonment especially. And the "tools" (or lack thereof) I've used for "coping" for the last twenty years. Anger, guilt and manipulation were her specialties...seems I learned from the master. ;) However, unlike her, I have become aware in my sobriety these don't actually work for me. They don't get my needs met. They hindered my healing. I had to unlearn what I had learned.There are still times I experience my negative thought patterns and I think it's time to "let go". Scary! As dysfunctional as this is going to sound...my childhood is what I know. It's familiar. It's my excuse and my reasoning. Letting go is unknown.

Freedom is finally worth overcoming the fear.

Now...I just got to go start a fire!

Who knows, I might even write that damn letter. You know the one (get your feelings out, tell her how you really feel. you don't have to give her the letter) - that letter. That thought isn't as uncomfortable as it has been in the past. I can even (almost) see the words I would put on the paper.

18 months!!!

I've been freaking sober for 18 months!

It really is a huge accomplishment. The  change in the quality of life is astounding. I can't even begin to count the ways. I'm so proud to have finally see what I was doing to myself and everyone around me, to have the courage (and brains!) to walk away from all that and deal with all my stuff.

I'm certain I'll see that kind of difference without the cigs too. Not quite the same...always knew/remembered what i was doing  while smoking...but there are some similarities.

The "addiction gets priority" is true with smoking. I don't miss that. The last $8 was always mine. We couldn't leave to go anywhere until I had my cigarette.  The sneaking away to fit in my cigarette all those times I broke quits and was a temporary closet smoker.

When you really stop and look at smoking...it's just as life sucking and pathetic as any other drug/alcohol addiction.

Yesterday I spent most of the day anxiety free. One day that will be the norm and I'll be free of the two major, poisonous addictions in my life. What a fantastic day that will be!!!

Every day is an adventure.

I'm referring to my mind. It's a zoo in there! I'm certain I will, once again (somewhat), level out...but for now ...

I'm back to meditating. I'm not sure if that is a safe or even accurate thing to say as I've only meditated twice in three days. But it's a gigantic improvement and certainly a step taken. 

I've also started reading through the Buddhism course I signed up for a few weeks back. Lesson 2 was hard to concentrate on. It explained the different types of Buddhism and which is practiced where. Once I finished reading about the origin, and about Buddha himself, I lost all focus. I'll have to go back and reread it one day. But for today, I'll move on to lesson 3. 

I'm thankful yesterday is behind me. It was a rough one. No smoking though. Yay! My rational mind laughs at the idea of smoking to relieve any sort of mental and emotional discomfort. But when those moments hit, there is NO sign of my rational mind anywhere. It's temporary. I'm really hoping it's short temporary. 

At any rate....40 days smokefree. <3

I think I've calmed down?

I'm not willing to smoke any more right now...so some improvement.

Welcome to the Crazy Train! All aboard!


WHEW!

I meditated for the first time in 6 months last night. I felt great afterwards. It was pretty uncomfortable at first...but even just the steady breathing is relaxing and calms my nerves.

Also made it to the gym this morning. Wasn't at all into it, as it's been at least 3 weeks (i think longer though) since we've been. Have to get use to it again and then I'll look forward to the work outs. Thankfully it doesn't take long.

I'm so tired today. Might have something to do with today's meltdown or today's meltdown made me tired. I don't know. Either way....***YAWN***

Just one

This is the first time I've really really really wanted just one cigarette in this quit.

FFS!

I hate feeling this freaking mental. And how retarded to think smoking will make me feel better. I'd be right back here again.

Happy day fucking 40.

:'(

Random ramblings

I didn't sleep well last night, my stomach is still incredibly sore this morning and my headspace is all about the negative. I have to write something, even if it's all over the place and doesn't make sense.

Quitting smoking - I'm so choked I'm back here again. It's day 39 (which is great) but for the amount of attempts at this crap I really should've kicked it a long time ago and not struggling so hard to hit the six week mark. Nothing about smoking makes any sense and I'm a fairly intelligent person....freaking addictions. They'll cripple anyone.

And while I'm bitching....why does it seem so easy to be unmotivated? Was hitting the gym on a regular basis, feeling fantastic - a couple of health things come up and temporarily put everything on hold and now the gym seems like work again. I won't make myself go. I'm pretty much deciding that feeling great and improving my health is too much work so I'll sit at home and whine about everything in this here blog. I could actually pick my ass off this chair and head to the gym now. But I'm gonna just keep on typing.

Same with meditation. Won't do it. Both the gym and meditation will probably help my stomach issues for more effectively than the umpteen pills the doctors have all thrown at me...yet, I do nothing. I take the pills, sleep like crap, suffer for a couple nights of month then whine, bitch and moan. Why? What is it about positive changes? No one wants to suffer but how much is anyone doing to avoid suffering? I'm all about it apparently. Won't do anything then parade through life on my "woe is me" pity train.

SOOO frustrated right now.

Kay...feeling a little better. Just feeling so stagnant in life right now and have no idea why I stand in my own way all of the time. On with my day....

Misfit Me

If it wasn't for my husband and daughters, I'd go insane. (I hope they know just how much I love them!)

I'm blaming it all on quitting smoking..but jesus..it just feels like I don't belong any where. What is my problem? I get that it probably stems from not fitting in with my own birth family and just became a fast moving train wreck from there. And most of the time I really could care less. But lately it's eating at me.

I suppose I could drive myself mental with all this. I probably have already started.

To top it off I'm sick so the neediness is kicked up a few notches. And I'm whiny.

I cannot wait for this to pass. I went through it when I quit drinking. It was brutal then and it's brutal now. The upside is that I do know I come out of this with a greater sense of self. Just need to ride the wave, I guess.

Addictions suck.

Non-materialistic craving.

Ha! ATTENTION! That's my biggest one. The "HEY, Look at me! Look at me! Love me!" attention. Ask hubby, he'll tell you. I get pretty damn needy at times.

And today is a really big day for my neediness. I'm on day 12 of my quit and I can feel Crazy Me at the wheel. Hubby didn't kiss me good-bye this morning, so I'm mad at him. He hasn't texted yet and I'm mad at him. None of these things are intentional as my husband is a very sweet man. And I could always go and get a kiss from him...but Crazy Me (yes I label myself! All the time actually) decided that I'm cranky and struggling with not smoking and chose to be mad instead. It's these days and these moments I've chose to smoke in the past just to ease the pain and feel somewhat normal. And that is addict thinking in a nutshell. Addiction 101.

#$#*&

The idea of going back to bed and waking up tomorrow is very appealing. I do have another session with my personal trainer this morning ... hopefully I can shift my energy instead of making it worse for myself the rest of the day.

The second noble truth teaches us that the cause of suffering is craving. Hahaha...Yep...sure is!

The healing continues...

Spirituality is a core value in my life. A definite need and one not to be ignored if I'm to put the best me out into the world.  It seems for quite some time now Buddhism is the one way of life that has interested me. I've done some reading here and there. I've attempted meditation a number of times. But have never really learned much about Buddhism.  

So now the journey begins...

How fascinating! And so much to learn! 

I've signed up for a home online-based course and received my first lesson. This week's practical exercise is to think of non-material cravings I may have. I suppose acceptance is one. I went to meet with a personal trainer and it happens to be someone I went to high school with and have not seen in close to twenty years. We were really only acquaintances, but there was still a wanting of acceptance I think. Who wants to meet with someone who doesn't accept them? For me it was only on a client/professional level...but still..acceptance. 

Another big one for me is approval. Not from just anyone, but from my husband and children. I "need" to know now that they "approve" and that the steps I'm taking and choices I'm making in my life today make them proud. It's going to be interesting to see what else I come up with this week. 

I've also joined a Buddhist forum. There is a wealth of information on the site, and links to more sites with more information. Exciting and overwhelming. I only just learned last night what Mala beads were! 

I've printed the five precepts and the noble eightfold path. Seems like a good place to start. For right now I just can't seem to read enough. And I feel "at home" with it. 

<3

500 Days!

Actually 500 days sober was 6 days ago. But I'm posting it  now.

Hubby and I have managed to get ourselves to the gym for 10 consecutive days and I am super proud of both of us. I have plans to see a personal trainer this week to set some fitness goals for myself and hubby is deep into research for his. I'm loving our new focus! It's only been a week and a half into "project energy shift" and we both notice some changes. Just goes to show what you can accomplish if you just DO!

Talking about and wishing for change doesn't yield results. I'm excited to see how life evolves and improves for us in the next while. We made a deal to go the entire summer and then reassess all things then.

As far as not smoking...tomorrow is a week. I haven't been the easiest person to live with, but I really am trying to keep the crazy levels to a dull roar. The gym is helping. I'm sure I would be a lot worse without the exercise!

<3

The new us!

Hubby and I have set some new goals..and this last week has been great!

We've joined the gym, and have gone faithfully everyday since. Even decided to wake up early and work out at 6:00 in the morning! This still shocks me! ;)

Part of the new us, is me quitting smoking. I'm whiny today. And so tired. The bit of energy I get from working out is short lived. The upside is how quickly that will turn around. I've quit so many times, I have the timeline of healing and what comes next down to a fine art.

I figure if I write about how uncomfortable this quitting business is, I'll use it to remind me not to ever start again... when the going gets tough. I see my therapist tomorrow and I plan on using OEI to deal with the anxiety and the manic feeling that comes with quitting smoking. I honestly can't stand the early part, so why I keep starting over again is beyond me.

Just babbling...

With the finale of "The Biggest Loser" coming up, I've been thinking alot about motivation. Watching the contestants accomplish phenomenal weight loss goals, it's impossible to not be motivated and inspired. The girls, especially, look fantastic! Every week you see just how proud of themselves they are. The feeling that comes with setting a goal and reaching it compares to nothing else. True, beautiful confidence.

It's a bit harder to maintain that level of excitement without cameras following you around day in and day out. Life seems to have a way of constantly testing you in different ways. When things are hard or challenging, you need to find ways to maintain motivation and to remain positive.

For me...the sun helps...ALOT! I find I become so down with the constant rain. But even with the sun shining, I'm missing the feeling I had this time last year. I had that wonderful feeling of accomplishment just about every single day I woke up. It's not that I'm no longer proud of myself...I AM!...It's just that it's come time to set another goal to reach. I've quit drinking (468 days! Woot woot!) but it's not the only or last positive change I wanted to make. Smoking is list of things to remove from life. Imaging the feeling of compete and utter pride when I have finally removed those horrible things permanently!

I think any goal, no matter how big or small, once set and reached...is to be celebrated. I think you can inspire those around you and be your own source of motivation with each goal accomplished. I also think the very action of setting goals and working towards them is a goal itself. And if it's something you're not used to doing, a life changing one.

I sometimes gravitate to "big" ideas when the little act of taking a vitamin daily and drinking more water will make a world of difference in my life. Less junk food, more fruit and veggies...again a little act, a big difference.I know I won't be heading out and running 5km this morning, but I can start somewhere. And everything is a cycle. Feel better physically, feel better mentally.

My stomach feels great today! (It's been a long week.)  And I've been mentally "strong" lately too. Why not take advantage of all this combined with the beautiful weather and see what I can accomplish!


<3

Compassion

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~The Dalai Lama

I've been reading "The Art of Happiness" and thanks to not watching TV in bed, I'm about half way through the book. Last night I just couldn't get enough! The section on compassion with attachment compared to genuine compassion was incredibly interesting. When I've thought of compassion I understand the idea behind not wanting others to suffer. But sometimes the whole concept of compassion for all beings seems a bit "out there".  How do you practice compassion when someone is grating on your last nerve? It's at that point that I can't imagine being a peaceful being full time. It's at that point I judge myself.

Compassion with attachment is what is hardwired into my being. It's actually what I see in most people I know. It's what I teach my children.

 Last fall our oldest moved out of the house against our wishes. Our first response? Take everything away and teach her life is hard and she'll get little to no support from us. If the basis of compassion is wanting for others to NOT suffer, then clearly, going out of one's way to aid in the suffering is by no means compassionate. Recently I had a fight with my youngest and took away some of her favourite belongings. She hurt me...I'll make her suffer. Not compassionate.

I honestly have no idea how to be genuinely compassionate towards those closest to me. I'm a compassionate person...yes...but I don't feel I'm a genuine compassionate being towards my loved ones. And while I can sit here and claim to now know the difference between the two, put me through a test and all hardwired behaviours/thoughts/feelings will emerge. It's what I've practiced and mastered for many years.

That being said, awareness is huge. Now I have to learn how to increase my level of genuine compassion.

I feel... at 34 yrs old..I'm rebuilding my foundation from scratch. Exciting and overwhelming. Yet, if I take it one brick at a time, eventually it will be solid and strong.

15 Months!

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

Today is a marvelous day. I have accomplished 15 months of sobriety one other time in my life. I chose not to do any work on myself and thought for sure that not drinking would be enough to make life less painful. After 15 months, I chose to drink and eventually ended up in a worse place. This time ... well this time 15 months looks beautiful. And life really is a million times better. There are hard days..but they always pass. And every day is a true gift. Sobriety isn't a daunting task or horrible chore...it's my gift to myself. <3


I'm thinking of life without cable for a little while. It seems scary to even consider such a thing! What does one do instead of watching TV? What about all the shows and sporting events we'll miss? Funny how the television dictates how we spend our time here. In the two days without it...our youngest daughter has spent an amazing amount of time with us. Grocery shopping, painting the outside...things we would normally just go ahead and quickly get done, never taking the time to ask if she would like to help out. The difference is noticeable. Plans to do more outside work have been made and she seems quite excited. Last night, instead of having the bedroom TV on while I fell asleep, I read some more of my book. I might actually make it through an entire book if I were to read each night. AND of course, there is money to be saved. A few months without cable pays for a trampoline, which is desperately wanted here. I am still trying to convince myself (and others) ... nothing but good will come of it...yet I still don't know how to let go of cable television. ;)

Happiness

Quote of the day....

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.- Groucho Marx

_________________________________________________________________________

Once an angry man insulted the Buddha. The Buddha simply asked the man if people ever visited him in his home. Surprised at the change of topic, the man answered yes.

The Buddha then asked if his visitors ever brought gifts. When the man replied yes again, the Buddha asked what would happen if he refused to accept the gifts? Who would the gifts belong to then? The man said that, of course, they would still belong to those who brought them.

The Buddha then calmly and kindly said, "In the same way, since I do not accept your insults, they remain with you."

Author - Unknown.

I love this story. I love the moral. The same theory can be said about any negative energy. If you choose to accept someone else's ..it becomes yours. If you choose not to accept it...it remains theirs.

<3

Gratitude

My quote for today..

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." 
— Melody Beattie

I had a great night sleep last night! I could do without the dismal weather, but with May on the horizon so it won't last forever.

I'm making changes again! I'll start small. Today I will drink more water and stay away from wheat products. I want to be the best me physically, emotionally and mentally. I have a plan! I'm going to make a small change every couple of days...like everything else in life...it all adds up.

<3

Spiritually disconnected

I took a career decision making course this time last year and every morning we had "check in". We had to use one word to describe how we were feeling physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and group wise. Right now...

Physically - rested

Emotionally - happy

Mentally - busy

Spiritually - lost/disconnected

Group - well I'm home by myself right now ;)

My sister in law and her family were here for dinner yesterday and they had just come back from an AA round up. They definitely had their spiritual batteries recharged. 

~~~Spirituality can refer to an ultimate reality or transcendent dimension of the world; an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of his or her being, or the “deepest values and meanings by which people live.

~~~Spirituality is defined as the  “human quest for personal meaning and mutually fulfilling relationships among people, the nonhuman environment, and, for some, God” 

It's this feeling of disconnection that has me feeling incomplete at the moment. Off-kilter. 

Whenever I'm reading about Buddhism or meditating on a regular basis I have a comfortable (almost complete) feeling come over me. I know I need to make my own spirituality a priority in order to put "the best me" out there. It's easy to get caught up in the daily this or that...only to notice one day something isn't right. I've had this before and until last year wasn't able to recognize the "missing" element. Just knowing is reassuring, but not enough. Time to scale back the hectic lifestyle as best I can right now and work on myself a bit. 

Spring is here!

Finally!!!

What a difference a little sunshine makes!

We got the chance to get some much needed yard work done yesterday, and I have plans to do some more today. Our goal is to get all the weeding done and start assembling a garden next weekend. It's soooo much work. Since we procrastinate and let things slide around here, the amount to be done of work to be done is daunting. However, it's already starting to look a thousand times better.

Our lives are like that too..we wait until things are going the complete wrong way before we start clean up. By that time it's overwhelming and a ton of work. If we did a little bit all the time, it wouldn't get so out of control and we could enjoy the rewards much more often. Profound, I am!

Lost

We're in a horrible spot right now and I don't know what to do. I really feel like my insanity is slipping and I can only sit and watch it go. My heart aches for my husband and daughter. I think now is a good time to believe in god or something bigger than me to pull us through this. Really seems so unfair to have come so far, and then to be here is this icky place.

My stomach hurts so bad. I feel weaker than ever. I just want to fall to my knees and pray a higher something or other takes the reins and leads us to better ground.

434 days

62 weeks. Not a milestone or anything.

For a whole year every Thursday meant something. I would even get up and make breakfasts on Thursdays for a large chunk of the first year. Now Thursdays have gone back to being just another day of the week. Odd because for the most part I felt guilty about celebrating something that should never have happened in the first place. Yet...

It's been really blah around here this morning...so I wanted to notice this Thursday.

<3

What's your poison?

My oldest had to write a couple of essays for english. She isn't aware but I know one of them is about the last couple years and focused mainly on how my drinking affected her life.

:(

As I sit in the waiting area of the counselor's office while my youngest has her session, I'm contemplating.

I was once incredibly selfish, irresponsible and neglectful. It's hard to understand how I could have been such a horrific person. I know now the drunk me isn't who I truly am...but it took a lot of drinking and traumatizing my own daughters to figure it out. Not to mention how close I came to losing my best friend and their daddy.

The whole thing just breaks my heart. Pain begets pain. My parents pain became my pain became my children's pain.

Alcohol is poison to me. I chose the bottle over my family far too many times and the damage done is terrible. I only hope the work I'm doing now helps to ease some of their pain.

Feeling good today

I just spent the last half hour on the phone with my sister in law while she described what it's like dealing with sick parents. It seems, that for whatever reason, each of us has used an opportunity in life to take an outside view of our birth families and see them for what they are.

I have no idea what my life would've been like had my parents taken their own opportunity to see the dysfunction and mental illness that runs deep through generations. Different for sure. Better or worse?

I think life gives us all moments to step aside and assess ourselves,  plenty of chances to heal. I can think of a couple times in my past where I could've jumped on the healing bandwagon. I also know dealing with what I'm going through now would've been next to impossible at a younger age. The fear of knowing where I'll end up now pushes me to continue with counselling..pushes me to "heal".

This was going to be a different entry today as I'm trying hard to accept what is and to stop obsessing. Everything happens for a reason and today's phone call made me realize that I am blessed. I'm starting to see I am strong. It feels like praising myself and it's not comfortable, yet I cannot deny it. I could easily turn my back and find chemical ways for coping. As hard as it is, I prefer this path.

I did say I'm feeling good today.  I am. Blessed and grateful for my husband, daughters and chosen family..their love and support amazes me everyday.

L.O.V.E.

Where there is love there is life.
Mohandas Gandhi

Sometime yesterday I realized I was wasting far too much time worried about the love I didn't get in the past and not paying attention to the love I have now. Both in giving and receiving.

I think it's important to have a grieving period but not to stay there too long. Everything is what it is. Not what it should be, not what it could be, just what it is.

When I think of the present my heart swells and I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I love my life. Today gets my focus.

<3

It's getting closer...

I'm having some weird feelings today. Anxiety for sure, but something else is there. Desperation almost. And a knowing that something is happening to me. Am I cracking? Will I persevere or lose my mind?

I'm aching to meditate again. It scares me though. I have a lot of daytime flashes lately, and meditation has accelerated them in the past. I've been scouring the internet looking for any information on meditation for survivors. Lots of info to confirm what I've already experienced, but not a whole lot about how I get past it. Frustrating.

I want to let go. Maybe surrender? I don't know what that means to me though. Surrender to what?

It's like I am standing on an edge (?) and there is beauty and freedom in my next step...I just don't know how to make myself lift my damn foot and take the step.

Today is a better day

I'm not feeling as angry today. A little sad maybe, but it's not as intense as it has been.

I really just want to move past. How it is now is how it's always been and how it will always be. She wasn't meant to be a mother. Even today, with my brothers children, she brags about not wanting to take care of them and that he has to quit his job to take care of them himself. They all live together and the oldest boy has autism. It's quite sad. I'll hope and pray those two children get the love and care they each deserve. I don't think it'll happen in that family.

I have a beautiful life. I have a husband and two daughters .. and they all love me. I don't want to be constantly consumed with this as it takes away from them. They deserve the best me ...

<3

When does it go away?

It's weird reading through previous posts and then sitting here today. I could careless about validation and forgiveness. I feel like an angry child and I hate them.

I had a good therapy session yesterday. I spoke a little (and I do mean little) bit of what had been done to me. Part of me felt good to have some release, as I've held it in for so long. Another part of me felt guilty that I "told". Why, after 20 years, is there still so much shame and guilt. I know it wasn't my fault, yet I feel like I don't have the right to talk about it.

I felt I had to send an email making it clear they are not to contact my children, as last Friday they approached my oldest outside her place of work. That didn't go over well at all. The reply email was from my mother explaining my childhood experiences are subject to interpretation and one sided. Um..hello?!? I, all my therapists, the government, foster parents, and quite a few others interpret it as child abuse. Sexual, physical and emotional child abuse. They've also said over and over again that it's not my fault. There's your interpretation, bitch.

My brother also disowned me yesterday. He was 7 yrs old when I was taken away and he remained in their care. He's "on their side."

I'm an adult. I let my life spiral out of control because I chose not to deal with any of this. At one point I even tried to have a relationship with them after the fact. I had to listen to my mother describe the worst time of my life as "the incident". When I finally realized the level of dysfunction in my family and resolved to sever the ties, there was a big argument about "the timing". Turns out that since I didn't keep a detailed summary of my abuse and the events, I was a liar. For fuck sakes...I WAS A CHILD! DO YOU HEAR ME? A CHILD! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTED! All these years later, nothing has changed. Not one fucking thing. I have to deal with it all. Hard to say which feels worse some days..the actual abuse or the complete abandonment from my mother.

I'm supposed to write my story this week. I haven't even tried to write it out. The words will disgust me. However, letting it out will be therapeutic...or so I'm told. We'll see.

Validation and Forgiveness

Two gigantic words. And, what I believe, to be the key words in my life.

I'm always working at "forgiving". I can come up with very logical reasons to forgive. "They were abused." "They never healed and are still sick."...yada, yada, yada.

Yet, I feel if I "forgive" them that I am "okaying" everything. It's like I've put additional pressure on myself to forgive what was done to me. If I can't forgive, I'll never heal and I will have noone to blame for my pain in my adult life.

I met with my daughter's counselor yesterday, and she pointed out my own lack of self validation. At first I didn't agree. But she's right. How does someone validate themselves when they were never validated in the first place? I guess we learn. ;)

I have a great support system..and know (now!) that the validation I needed and craved has been there. But if I'm not giving it to myself, it's near impossible to accept it.

I thought of this yesterday. It's overwhelming yet exciting, and going to be hard to put my thoughts into sentences that make sense.

I'm very critical of myself. I expect that since I've decided to "heal", it should be easy and I should be farther along than I am. I get frustrated when I don't do the things I'm supposed to do to keep balance in my life. I'm annoyed when I'm impatient with my daughters, husband and myself. I berate myself when irrational thinking patterns take over. I'm also fairly critical towards others, although I can say I've become less judgmental towards the ones I love the most.

My best understanding is this...

1) the sexual abuse I went through is completely unvalidated by my parents. I'm the liar who ruined their lives and destroyed the family. My brother lives with them, so it's like I've spent 20 years of my life with this internal struggle because none of them were on my side.

2) the physical abuse has always been minimized. It's okay to hit me with a belt because there were studs or a buckle on it. It's okay to use physical force to discipline because that's how they were raised and they "turned out ok" (Are they fucking kidding me with this? They're okay?!?)

3) the constant name calling and berating wassn't even really acknowledge for what it was. Nor was it completely denied. I was just too sensitive. "It was a joke"

4) the expectation of what I was supposed to do around the house. Clean, make meals, take care of my brother, etc. No praise...just higher expectations met with more criticism.

I know why I was so riled by my parents reappearance on Friday. My mother had the audacity to minimize everything once again! Referred to my life and struggles and lack of relationship with her as "this thing". She thinks it's okay to have some sort of secret relationships with people in my life.

It's time to validate and forgive myself. To understand and accept my childhood. To ease up on my own expectations. To learn how to give myself the encouragement and praise I lacked growing up. Honestly..I really don't know how to go about this. But even just the realization makes me feel better. Oh ... Miss Therapist!!

So much happens in a week. I sometimes struggle to keep up.

I woke up feeling pretty good today. And for a minute even the sun was shining! I've started rereading "The Call" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0061116696?ie=UTF8&tag=oriah-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0061116696

... Here's a few of my fav lines so far...

"I want to know hot to do it differently, how to let the love I know is within me guide me when I am tired and impatient and judgmental with those around me."

"What you are looking for cannot be earned or paid for with suffering or hard work. It's a gift. Grace. It can only be received."

"Try easier."

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I'll leave the rest of this entry as it is. I wrote the second half first, but wanted to put my favourite lines from the book I'm reading at the beginning of my blog entry. As I typed "Try easier", the day took an entertaining and stressful turn. I've spent the last two hours dealing with rude people while trying to straighten out bill payments and the money wrongfully taken from my bank account. Didn't get the exact results I was hoping for, but I can breathe a bit and relax while I wait.

Try easier...hahaha. Easier typed than done.

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Something is starting to happen in the healing part of my life. New, more intense feelings have surfaced this week. And it's all about my childhood. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the recent interaction between my parents and my oldest child have triggered all of this. Seems there is a whole lot of anger still. No matter how many times I've said I'm working towards forgiving them...here I sit..pissed right off. Quite grateful for a two hour counselling session this week. I'm gonna need it!

Another day with a stomach ache. The pain is tolerable and the swelling has reduced some, so looks like I'll live. Seems it was a horrendous case of indigestion. I've had brutal pains in the past..sometimes it's an intestinal infection, hernia, or just my sensitive tummy. Frustrating.

Which brings me back to negativity and stress. How much is stress triggering these attacks? I think it's safe to say it's at least making them worse. So while I look into food elimination, I should also be aware of how I react and handle stress. I think my reaction to every negative moment in the household is playing it's part in this whole situation. Medically..I'm "fine"...so what's left?

I'm not saying it's all in my mind..there's something very physical going on here. I just think I'm going to rely less on test results and more on diet and lifestyle. I believe I can reduce the agony by changing my mind, so to speak.

I've proven in the past, that a positive attitude yields positive results...why not try?

Oh my tummy

The pain was ridiculous this time. And my stomach swelled up soooo big. Even almost 24 hours later I'm still swollen and cramping. I've always had a sensitive stomach, but this is too much.

The trip to ER has ruled out some more things, so the list of "what isn't wrong" is growing...but still not understanding this last attack. And now I feel heartburn starting up. Argh.

At this point I'm going to try an elimination diet and see what happens. Basically eat rice, certain veggies and fruit, nuts, and lots of water. Once I get to a point where I have not suffered any pain for quite a number of days I can introduce new foods (one at a time) and keep track of any changes.

Symptoms right now..

- swollen abdomen

- painful cramps on the right hand side.

- frequent tightening in the middle of stomach

- burning on the top part of the stomach

- acid reflux

- gassy

- constipated

Definitely not my sexiest moment. And I'm oh so tired. I've had two small bowls of white rice in the last hour and that's the only thing I've eaten today. Going to drink lots of water and hope for a good rest tonight.

Today is a new day!

It would help to remember this every day. Lately the negative energy in this house has been spiraling out of control. Blows me away how quickly it can, once again, take over. The "negative nellie" syndrome seems so easy and effortless. Argh!

So here I go...

When I quit drinking (417 days ago! Woot woot!) I had to work my ass off to overcome my old ways of thinking. I now sit here, many moons later, in some weird slump. I'm nowhere near where I was in the old days, but neither am I feeling as good as I did in my early sobriety. So what's happen?

My best guess is a comfort/take things for granted kinda attitude. A dangerous place to be. Not that I'm taking everything for granted...but the work I put in a year ago. I just assumed (I think!) that it should all be roses and I can slack off. In my second year I should be able to sit back and just enjoy my new life, right?

It's my perception that's the problem. I think of everything I've done as "work". Who wants to "work" so hard all the time without a break? Positive thinking..work. Quitting smoking...work. Working out...work (ok, well that's in the title). Patience...work. Meditating...work. How do I change it around? These are all things I need to do in order to put my best "me" out into the world. To maintain balance. I need to rewire the deepest parts of my mind. It isn't work. It's healing. It's self care.

I've been lacking in caring for myself. Somewhere along the way I took a break and expected everything to just keep on clicking along. I assumed I had learned the tools and that would be enough. And damn if my energy isn't contagious! All it takes is one little negative moment to undo all the positive moments before it. Negativity is a beast! On the other hand...one little positive moment, can also be enough to spark many other positive moments and undo all the negativity.

So what's my plan? Well for today, I'm going to start by counting my blessings. Honestly, I have a wonderful life. I wake up next to my wonderful, loving husband who is truly my best friend. I have two beautiful, healthy daughters. I don't go without necessities in life, and I have quite a few wantsl. All in all...that's a pretty damn good start to any day.

I'm normally a "fix everything" all at once kinda girl...but I'm thinking for today, I'm going to slow down a bit. Baby steps I figure. The fact that I've typed all this is a major step in the right direction. I'm going to add "drink more water and take a vitamin" to my list and see what happens from there.

Today is a new day...I'm going to embrace and enjoy it!

<3