Ha! ATTENTION! That's my biggest one. The "HEY, Look at me! Look at me! Love me!" attention. Ask hubby, he'll tell you. I get pretty damn needy at times.
And today is a really big day for my neediness. I'm on day 12 of my quit and I can feel Crazy Me at the wheel. Hubby didn't kiss me good-bye this morning, so I'm mad at him. He hasn't texted yet and I'm mad at him. None of these things are intentional as my husband is a very sweet man. And I could always go and get a kiss from him...but Crazy Me (yes I label myself! All the time actually) decided that I'm cranky and struggling with not smoking and chose to be mad instead. It's these days and these moments I've chose to smoke in the past just to ease the pain and feel somewhat normal. And that is addict thinking in a nutshell. Addiction 101.
#$#*&
The idea of going back to bed and waking up tomorrow is very appealing. I do have another session with my personal trainer this morning ... hopefully I can shift my energy instead of making it worse for myself the rest of the day.
The second noble truth teaches us that the cause of suffering is craving. Hahaha...Yep...sure is!
Thursday, 30 June 2011
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
The healing continues...
Spirituality is a core value in my life. A definite need and one not to be ignored if I'm to put the best me out into the world. It seems for quite some time now Buddhism is the one way of life that has interested me. I've done some reading here and there. I've attempted meditation a number of times. But have never really learned much about Buddhism.
So now the journey begins...
How fascinating! And so much to learn!
I've signed up for a home online-based course and received my first lesson. This week's practical exercise is to think of non-material cravings I may have. I suppose acceptance is one. I went to meet with a personal trainer and it happens to be someone I went to high school with and have not seen in close to twenty years. We were really only acquaintances, but there was still a wanting of acceptance I think. Who wants to meet with someone who doesn't accept them? For me it was only on a client/professional level...but still..acceptance.
Another big one for me is approval. Not from just anyone, but from my husband and children. I "need" to know now that they "approve" and that the steps I'm taking and choices I'm making in my life today make them proud. It's going to be interesting to see what else I come up with this week.
I've also joined a Buddhist forum. There is a wealth of information on the site, and links to more sites with more information. Exciting and overwhelming. I only just learned last night what Mala beads were!
I've printed the five precepts and the noble eightfold path. Seems like a good place to start. For right now I just can't seem to read enough. And I feel "at home" with it.
<3
Saturday, 25 June 2011
500 Days!
Actually 500 days sober was 6 days ago. But I'm posting it now.
Hubby and I have managed to get ourselves to the gym for 10 consecutive days and I am super proud of both of us. I have plans to see a personal trainer this week to set some fitness goals for myself and hubby is deep into research for his. I'm loving our new focus! It's only been a week and a half into "project energy shift" and we both notice some changes. Just goes to show what you can accomplish if you just DO!
Talking about and wishing for change doesn't yield results. I'm excited to see how life evolves and improves for us in the next while. We made a deal to go the entire summer and then reassess all things then.
As far as not smoking...tomorrow is a week. I haven't been the easiest person to live with, but I really am trying to keep the crazy levels to a dull roar. The gym is helping. I'm sure I would be a lot worse without the exercise!
<3
Hubby and I have managed to get ourselves to the gym for 10 consecutive days and I am super proud of both of us. I have plans to see a personal trainer this week to set some fitness goals for myself and hubby is deep into research for his. I'm loving our new focus! It's only been a week and a half into "project energy shift" and we both notice some changes. Just goes to show what you can accomplish if you just DO!
Talking about and wishing for change doesn't yield results. I'm excited to see how life evolves and improves for us in the next while. We made a deal to go the entire summer and then reassess all things then.
As far as not smoking...tomorrow is a week. I haven't been the easiest person to live with, but I really am trying to keep the crazy levels to a dull roar. The gym is helping. I'm sure I would be a lot worse without the exercise!
<3
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
The new us!
Hubby and I have set some new goals..and this last week has been great!
We've joined the gym, and have gone faithfully everyday since. Even decided to wake up early and work out at 6:00 in the morning! This still shocks me! ;)
Part of the new us, is me quitting smoking. I'm whiny today. And so tired. The bit of energy I get from working out is short lived. The upside is how quickly that will turn around. I've quit so many times, I have the timeline of healing and what comes next down to a fine art.
I figure if I write about how uncomfortable this quitting business is, I'll use it to remind me not to ever start again... when the going gets tough. I see my therapist tomorrow and I plan on using OEI to deal with the anxiety and the manic feeling that comes with quitting smoking. I honestly can't stand the early part, so why I keep starting over again is beyond me.
We've joined the gym, and have gone faithfully everyday since. Even decided to wake up early and work out at 6:00 in the morning! This still shocks me! ;)
Part of the new us, is me quitting smoking. I'm whiny today. And so tired. The bit of energy I get from working out is short lived. The upside is how quickly that will turn around. I've quit so many times, I have the timeline of healing and what comes next down to a fine art.
I figure if I write about how uncomfortable this quitting business is, I'll use it to remind me not to ever start again... when the going gets tough. I see my therapist tomorrow and I plan on using OEI to deal with the anxiety and the manic feeling that comes with quitting smoking. I honestly can't stand the early part, so why I keep starting over again is beyond me.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Just babbling...
With the finale of "The Biggest Loser" coming up, I've been thinking alot about motivation. Watching the contestants accomplish phenomenal weight loss goals, it's impossible to not be motivated and inspired. The girls, especially, look fantastic! Every week you see just how proud of themselves they are. The feeling that comes with setting a goal and reaching it compares to nothing else. True, beautiful confidence.
It's a bit harder to maintain that level of excitement without cameras following you around day in and day out. Life seems to have a way of constantly testing you in different ways. When things are hard or challenging, you need to find ways to maintain motivation and to remain positive.
For me...the sun helps...ALOT! I find I become so down with the constant rain. But even with the sun shining, I'm missing the feeling I had this time last year. I had that wonderful feeling of accomplishment just about every single day I woke up. It's not that I'm no longer proud of myself...I AM!...It's just that it's come time to set another goal to reach. I've quit drinking (468 days! Woot woot!) but it's not the only or last positive change I wanted to make. Smoking is list of things to remove from life. Imaging the feeling of compete and utter pride when I have finally removed those horrible things permanently!
I think any goal, no matter how big or small, once set and reached...is to be celebrated. I think you can inspire those around you and be your own source of motivation with each goal accomplished. I also think the very action of setting goals and working towards them is a goal itself. And if it's something you're not used to doing, a life changing one.
I sometimes gravitate to "big" ideas when the little act of taking a vitamin daily and drinking more water will make a world of difference in my life. Less junk food, more fruit and veggies...again a little act, a big difference.I know I won't be heading out and running 5km this morning, but I can start somewhere. And everything is a cycle. Feel better physically, feel better mentally.
My stomach feels great today! (It's been a long week.) And I've been mentally "strong" lately too. Why not take advantage of all this combined with the beautiful weather and see what I can accomplish!
<3
It's a bit harder to maintain that level of excitement without cameras following you around day in and day out. Life seems to have a way of constantly testing you in different ways. When things are hard or challenging, you need to find ways to maintain motivation and to remain positive.
For me...the sun helps...ALOT! I find I become so down with the constant rain. But even with the sun shining, I'm missing the feeling I had this time last year. I had that wonderful feeling of accomplishment just about every single day I woke up. It's not that I'm no longer proud of myself...I AM!...It's just that it's come time to set another goal to reach. I've quit drinking (468 days! Woot woot!) but it's not the only or last positive change I wanted to make. Smoking is list of things to remove from life. Imaging the feeling of compete and utter pride when I have finally removed those horrible things permanently!
I think any goal, no matter how big or small, once set and reached...is to be celebrated. I think you can inspire those around you and be your own source of motivation with each goal accomplished. I also think the very action of setting goals and working towards them is a goal itself. And if it's something you're not used to doing, a life changing one.
I sometimes gravitate to "big" ideas when the little act of taking a vitamin daily and drinking more water will make a world of difference in my life. Less junk food, more fruit and veggies...again a little act, a big difference.I know I won't be heading out and running 5km this morning, but I can start somewhere. And everything is a cycle. Feel better physically, feel better mentally.
My stomach feels great today! (It's been a long week.) And I've been mentally "strong" lately too. Why not take advantage of all this combined with the beautiful weather and see what I can accomplish!
<3
Friday, 6 May 2011
Compassion
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~The Dalai Lama
I've been reading "The Art of Happiness" and thanks to not watching TV in bed, I'm about half way through the book. Last night I just couldn't get enough! The section on compassion with attachment compared to genuine compassion was incredibly interesting. When I've thought of compassion I understand the idea behind not wanting others to suffer. But sometimes the whole concept of compassion for all beings seems a bit "out there". How do you practice compassion when someone is grating on your last nerve? It's at that point that I can't imagine being a peaceful being full time. It's at that point I judge myself.
Compassion with attachment is what is hardwired into my being. It's actually what I see in most people I know. It's what I teach my children.
Last fall our oldest moved out of the house against our wishes. Our first response? Take everything away and teach her life is hard and she'll get little to no support from us. If the basis of compassion is wanting for others to NOT suffer, then clearly, going out of one's way to aid in the suffering is by no means compassionate. Recently I had a fight with my youngest and took away some of her favourite belongings. She hurt me...I'll make her suffer. Not compassionate.
I honestly have no idea how to be genuinely compassionate towards those closest to me. I'm a compassionate person...yes...but I don't feel I'm a genuine compassionate being towards my loved ones. And while I can sit here and claim to now know the difference between the two, put me through a test and all hardwired behaviours/thoughts/feelings will emerge. It's what I've practiced and mastered for many years.
That being said, awareness is huge. Now I have to learn how to increase my level of genuine compassion.
I feel... at 34 yrs old..I'm rebuilding my foundation from scratch. Exciting and overwhelming. Yet, if I take it one brick at a time, eventually it will be solid and strong.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~The Dalai Lama
I've been reading "The Art of Happiness" and thanks to not watching TV in bed, I'm about half way through the book. Last night I just couldn't get enough! The section on compassion with attachment compared to genuine compassion was incredibly interesting. When I've thought of compassion I understand the idea behind not wanting others to suffer. But sometimes the whole concept of compassion for all beings seems a bit "out there". How do you practice compassion when someone is grating on your last nerve? It's at that point that I can't imagine being a peaceful being full time. It's at that point I judge myself.
Compassion with attachment is what is hardwired into my being. It's actually what I see in most people I know. It's what I teach my children.
Last fall our oldest moved out of the house against our wishes. Our first response? Take everything away and teach her life is hard and she'll get little to no support from us. If the basis of compassion is wanting for others to NOT suffer, then clearly, going out of one's way to aid in the suffering is by no means compassionate. Recently I had a fight with my youngest and took away some of her favourite belongings. She hurt me...I'll make her suffer. Not compassionate.
I honestly have no idea how to be genuinely compassionate towards those closest to me. I'm a compassionate person...yes...but I don't feel I'm a genuine compassionate being towards my loved ones. And while I can sit here and claim to now know the difference between the two, put me through a test and all hardwired behaviours/thoughts/feelings will emerge. It's what I've practiced and mastered for many years.
That being said, awareness is huge. Now I have to learn how to increase my level of genuine compassion.
I feel... at 34 yrs old..I'm rebuilding my foundation from scratch. Exciting and overwhelming. Yet, if I take it one brick at a time, eventually it will be solid and strong.
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
15 Months!
“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” ~Harriet Beecher Stowe
Today is a marvelous day. I have accomplished 15 months of sobriety one other time in my life. I chose not to do any work on myself and thought for sure that not drinking would be enough to make life less painful. After 15 months, I chose to drink and eventually ended up in a worse place. This time ... well this time 15 months looks beautiful. And life really is a million times better. There are hard days..but they always pass. And every day is a true gift. Sobriety isn't a daunting task or horrible chore...it's my gift to myself. <3
I'm thinking of life without cable for a little while. It seems scary to even consider such a thing! What does one do instead of watching TV? What about all the shows and sporting events we'll miss? Funny how the television dictates how we spend our time here. In the two days without it...our youngest daughter has spent an amazing amount of time with us. Grocery shopping, painting the outside...things we would normally just go ahead and quickly get done, never taking the time to ask if she would like to help out. The difference is noticeable. Plans to do more outside work have been made and she seems quite excited. Last night, instead of having the bedroom TV on while I fell asleep, I read some more of my book. I might actually make it through an entire book if I were to read each night. AND of course, there is money to be saved. A few months without cable pays for a trampoline, which is desperately wanted here. I am still trying to convince myself (and others) ... nothing but good will come of it...yet I still don't know how to let go of cable television. ;)
Today is a marvelous day. I have accomplished 15 months of sobriety one other time in my life. I chose not to do any work on myself and thought for sure that not drinking would be enough to make life less painful. After 15 months, I chose to drink and eventually ended up in a worse place. This time ... well this time 15 months looks beautiful. And life really is a million times better. There are hard days..but they always pass. And every day is a true gift. Sobriety isn't a daunting task or horrible chore...it's my gift to myself. <3
I'm thinking of life without cable for a little while. It seems scary to even consider such a thing! What does one do instead of watching TV? What about all the shows and sporting events we'll miss? Funny how the television dictates how we spend our time here. In the two days without it...our youngest daughter has spent an amazing amount of time with us. Grocery shopping, painting the outside...things we would normally just go ahead and quickly get done, never taking the time to ask if she would like to help out. The difference is noticeable. Plans to do more outside work have been made and she seems quite excited. Last night, instead of having the bedroom TV on while I fell asleep, I read some more of my book. I might actually make it through an entire book if I were to read each night. AND of course, there is money to be saved. A few months without cable pays for a trampoline, which is desperately wanted here. I am still trying to convince myself (and others) ... nothing but good will come of it...yet I still don't know how to let go of cable television. ;)
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